Gratitude

For as stressful as this week and a day has been, there have been moments and events for which to be thankful. I figured I’d list a few of the ones that are top of mind.

1. The “I love you’s” have been more frequent and more sincere.
2. It’s tricky to touch M anywhere on his upper torso without it causing him pain, so touch has been limited mostly to limbs and stroking his back. Waking up in the middle of the night to find his hand on my shoulder as M slept was so sweet.
3. One of the little dogs, Bella, is afraid of feet. M loves to fuck with Bella, putting is foot right near her face when she’s not paying attention, and then watching her jump away when she realizes it’s there. It’s harmless, though maybe a little bit mean, but it makes M laugh. It’s nice when he laughs.
4. Everything else has become trivia, noise. It’s as though we have our own little world that only we inhabit, where the two of us are one, and no one and nothing else can enter.
5. The walls have come down. M and I have always been able to be pretty open, but in the weeks leading up to all of this, we’d both begun to feel a little like the other was pulling away. Nothing serious or threatening, just a patch we needed to get through. I’d felt a little like he was pushing me away, like I irritated him, and I didn’t know why and couldn’t get him to tell me what was happening. My response was to push away, myself, though not on purpose or in any way I knew how to control. But I could see myself doing it. Last week, as we sat in bed watching a movie (this is becoming a nightly thing, this movie watching), we talked about this. He told me that he had just known deep down that something wasn’t right with his body, and that it hadn’t been me at all. He told me that what he needs from me is to remind him that he’s strong, and to let him do things, to ask for help. I am thankful for that discussion, and thankful he shared with me something that he needs from me. I am thankful, too, that I have something I can concentrate on doing that will help M.
6. I am thankful for movie nights in bed.
7. On M’s birthday weekend in early May, we went to this place called Tai Chi Wellness. They do Chinese accupressure massage, and M had been a couple of times before, including once with me. On this day, they asked if we wanted to try this thing called cupping. Helps athletes with pain, pulls out toxins. M tried it. They covered his back with 16 glass cups. When it was over, he looked almost like a cartoon character, his back covered in spots varying in color from light pink to almost aubergine. The darker the spot, presumably, the more toxins that have been pulled out and brought to the surface. Then, within an hour or so, he grew increasingly nauseous, to the point that, several hours later, he actually became violently ill. But then he felt better, relaxed. Fast forward to this whole shitshow swirling at present. Neither of us said anything about the cupping session, but it had been in the back of my mind that somehow it was–it is–relevant to what’s happening now. M finally spoke up the other day and said he was thankful he’d had that done, that it seemed to indicate something was off, because he hadn’t felt right since. I’m not sure how thankful I am, because a darker part of mind wonders if it somehow opened something up in his body that should have stayed closed. Then again, if the thought of that session, taken in aggregate with everything else over the last eight weeks, got M to the doctor last Monday, then I’m grateful.
8. I’m grateful M went to the doctor…
9. …and I’m so very thankful for Dr. Scalzi and her push to discover what’s really happening.
10. At the end of May, I was talking with a recruiter about a VP job based out of Chicago with Weichert. I was as perfect a candidate for the position as they were likely to find. But I didn’t want to relocate, and my pay demands were too high. I don’t KNOW this for sure, but I have to believe that’s why our conversations ended, no job offer, not even an interview. Or maybe they just thought I was a bitch. I don’t care. I’m so thankful now that nothing came of this.
11. I’m thankful that M called to me while I was waiting for the shower to warm up yesterday morning. He was lying on the bed, and he asked me to come around behind him and cuddle him. It was the absolute best start to the day.
12. The beauty of the black birds I saw against the white clouds and blue sky.
13. The text my mom sent that read “Conquer” and nothing else.
14. My parents, Carrie, and David, because they care for us and they support us.
15. My friend Kristin, because she is the only Wheaton friend I’ve told about this so far, and she remembered that M has a doctor appointment today and texted me, wishing M luck and prayers.
16. My boss and my team, for their empathy and understanding and willingness to lend a hand.
17. Running and writing. These are my outlets, and my relief vessel in a sea of worry.

There is more I’m forgetting, and there will be more to come. In the week leading up to my grandma passing away, when I had tuberculosis, when I was struggling with abuse and eventual divorce from my second husband…there were moments to be grateful for, there were angels who stepped in to help, there were moments of transcendence and beauty. The moments will be there, the angels will come, and that is what’s going to carry us through.

Author: azulita2015

Twice divorced already, I met my one true love on March 28, 2016 and he died in my arms on February 28, 2019. This is the story of my husband's battle with prostate cancer (it's ugly), his death (also ugly), and where I go from here (TBD). I promise some funny moments and vociferous use of the word "fuck". Come with me on my bumpy ride. View all posts by azulita2015