Tag: stress

It is now April 2021. I long ago hit “pause” on writing this blog. I stopped writing for a lot of reasons, the main one being time, at least initially. Michael’s illness kept getting worse. My time felt better spent on caring for him—cooking, spending time with him, researching, cleaning, reconciling insurance statements against invoices, keeping my job. At some point during all of this, Michael’s brother, K, moved in with us for a few months. K is a kind soul, and it was nice to have him there with us. And then the holidays were upon us. Time just got away.

But the real reason I didn’t maintain the blog was that it was too emotionally draining to write.

I can’t sit here and tell you that no one tells you how emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, and financially draining a cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment will be for both the patient and family and/or caregivers. I knew all this, Michael knew all this. But most guidance focuses on how financially draining cancer is. We took a hit financially, and I’ll cover that some other time. And the physical hit is obvious for the patient, less so for the caregiver (again, I’ll cover that some other time). But what you can’t properly comprehend—what no one really and truly talks about, because, in fairness, I don’t know how you quantify it—is just how emotionally and mentally devastating cancer is. I can think of no other time in my life when every single aspect of life, of my very being, was stretched so completely to the absolute limits of tolerance. If Michael were here to speak for himself, he would likely say the same thing, except he’s not here. He died on February 28, 2019 at 7:20 p.m.

No, I couldn’t bring myself to write. To keep writing about his illness and how we were dealing with it while he was deteriorating, to write while we were so far behind the eight ball, to write when to do so took such an emotional effort that I’d be too drained to work or to manage our house or to care for Michael—I just wanted to lay down and never get up after writing, even when it had once been my therapy—it was just too much. So I stopped writing.

Why pick it back up now, then? After all this time, after Michael has already passed, and more than two years ago, at that?

• Because I believe our story is relevant to others fighting cancer, to their families and loved ones, and to their caregivers, even though our story didn’t have the outcome we so desperately wanted.
• Because my own story continued after 7:20 p.m. on February 28, 2019, and I think there might be value in sharing that story with others.
• Because Michael wanted our story to be told, so I have to, I am compelled to honor that wish, so that I can honor him.
• Because to tell our story helps keep Michael alive for me.

Everything I write from here on out is based on (fading) recollection and the content of thousands of pages of Michael’s medical records. Even so, I will do my very best to tell the story of our journey. I have to.